Ask the Rebbetzin – Shidduchim

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Q: I am a 30 year old religious woman. I know what I want in a soul mate. But I am not able to find it. I have dated a lot. Everyone says that I am too picky? But what about my needs? What should I do?

A: Your desire to find a soul mate reflects positively on your commitment to a Bayis Neeman B’Yisroel (a Torah true home.) When considering the qualities of a soul mate, prioritize shared goals and values. Engage in conversations about the type of relationship you envision, the home atmosphere you desire, and your aspirations for raising a family.

Take the time to assess if your expectations align, placing emphasis on whether pleasing Hashem is a central part of his life. Seek assurance from those who know him well regarding his character, as it forms a crucial foundation for a successful marriage. Keep in mind that the three pillars of a successful marriage are middos, middos, and middos.

While spiritual and emotional compatibility are crucial, don’t overlook the importance of the physical aspect. Feeling comfortable and finding each other pleasing is essential. All of the above areas are non-negotiable.

When it comes to considerations like wealth, family background, and education level, I intentionally omitted them. These are aspects that differentiate between being picky and non-picky and should be subject to compromise.

May you be blessed with a soul mate who shares your dreams and values.

The next Q&A will be on relationships. 

Click here to submit your own questions to the Rebbetzin.

Rebbetzin Sara Feldbrand is an educator and writer. The Rebbetzin’s best selling books have been praised by many well known rabbis, educators and mental health professionals. Some of her books have been translated into French, German and Russian. She is currently available to conduct workshops on topics such as tefillah, personal growth and emotional resilience. She also counsels, mainly through her email address: